Publix Humiliation

"One Thing Remains" started playing on my shuffle a few minutes ago...it says "and on and on it goes, yes it overwhelms my soul" and without hesitating, I found myself agreeing, yeah my struggles are going on and on and overwhelming my insides.     Within about a 3 second reality check, the song screams at me to let Jesus' love be what goes on and on, overwhelming and satisfying me. 

I finished by 4th chemo treatment today and I'm starting to understand the weak, physical body feeling. Something is always aching. Last week, Grammie was diagnosed with cancer. This week Luke's grandma is being biopsied for what may be cancer. And today, my precious little 11 year old baby brother was taken to the ER with strep and mono. Doctors concluded I can't see him for 4-6 weeks.    what. 

I promise, Jesus, that I will NEVER complain about another thing ever again for the rest of my life. Sheesh. I'm thankful for everything, you can lighten up any time now.

Actually, I don't know that I'd want Him to lighten up just yet. Godly things are at work because of all this mess and I love it. I mean I wish it didn't take publicly humiliating myself but...

 I went to Publix the night I got home and passed out in the parking lot on the way to my car. So I come to and this lady is helping me sit up on the curb...turns out she's an RN. She has someone get me water, while her husband(?) is picking me up and hold-walking me to her car. Obviously, I'm thanking them like crazy and he says "please, stop. this is what God made the family for. we're meant to be here for each other."   Trying not to cry, I watch the man and his son walk into Publix and his wife and I drive to my apartment as she tells me that she swears her son has this crazy strong connection with God. He was diagnosed with cancer at 2 and is now in remission at age 11, loving and being thankful for every haircut and cheeseburger she buys him.  This amazing lady grabs all my groceries from her car and walks them up to my apartment and leaves her name and number in case I needed her again. Wow. 

THIS IS FAITH FAMILY. It seems like it's gotten so easy for people to say they believe in Jesus. God is used way too much as just a 'give-me-peace-my-life-sucks' mindset or when somebody dies, God seems to magically become top of the list to comfort those hurting. Is he not there when we don't feel like having him there?   This is really pushing in my thoughts for some reason, but sophomore year at Countryside a very beautiful, very fun girl named Chelsea passed away. Needless to say, Countryside had an even more depressing feeling to it for the next few months as people healed. But it seemed that as soon as she died, it became "the thing" to rely on God. Bible verses were getting posted, church numbers went up...but as soon as that got old, the drinking and smoking and all the worldly things started right back up. 

I'm not perfect. I don't live perfectly.   Knowing that Jesus was perfect, makes me want to be like Him so I'm going to follow him...forever. Because feeling His spirit constantly and watching Him turn such broken things into something so beautiful, is more than I could ask for. Especially in this time of my life. When absolutely nothing is going right. (well "right" in the world's eyes. They're perfect in His and I pray for God's peace to know this)  I am so very thankful for the Publix people, because had they not been the real & alive followers of Christ that they are, I don't know what I would've done. And I certainly wouldn't have felt the comfort of the Spirit that was in their touch. They weren't just good people...they were Jesus to me. 


"Remind me, you take broken things and turn them into beautiful.
I'll stop praying for an escape.
I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you will have Your way.
Even if my dreams have died,

 I'll still worship you with all of my life."

-Britt Nicole, Have Your Way


I seriously love my life, I am so so blessed. I believe it whole heartedly!! When I close my eyes, I like to just sit in front of my mind's image of Jesus and hug Him. Literally just let His comfort take over and rest in His arms. Being in God's presence, Bible out in front, listening to worship songs is what's keeping me alive in this moment. It's so strengthening and encouraging. But just because cancer stops doesn't mean these nights will. I'm going to need this for the rest of my life. To get rejuvenated in Christ. Because constantly being in the world, is hard.  So I'm closing on this world for the night...and finishing up some Job. :)


Job 19:25 "I know that MY REDEEMER LIVES."

Presents & Buts

It never really occurred to me that chemo was a lifestyle. I had gone with grandpa, only a few times, when he was being treated. But it never crossed my thoughts that chemo was as life-taking as it is. I wish that I had given grandpa more time, especially through his chemo. Chemo sets the schedule for your life. It determines what or how much you eat (or don’t). It takes away and replaces your old friends with nurses and other patients. It has the capability to ruin your insides. It changes your habits. But nowhere in all of that does chemo have the power to crush the Spirit of God living in me.

I honestly started writing with this with major heartache intending to go into a schpeel on grandpa…and selflessness and time. But that was just changed… the Spirit is powerful. Prayer is obviously powerful… I’m learning that no struggle whether it be heart break, cancer, (insert your pain & struggle here), is too much for God. We let ourselves think about this certain thing over and over…we pray about it (if we feel like it)…and keep thinking about it and struggling over it. Where’s the trust in that?  Where in my over thinking and my shallow hearted prayers am I actually trusting God?

TRUST, NO BUTS

is my new life theme.

It’s easy to think about something…anything. But when was the last time I prayed about it and never gave it a second thought?   I’ve been reading a lot of Job, because his life sucks just like mine, and the first response his friend gave him was this, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” (Job 5:8)    So, I stole his idea.

Present your case to God,

And trust Him with no buts.

God, my prayer tonight is for healing. A healing of cancer would be nice, but more so my heart. I went through my phone to delete my voicemails and the 2 I saved of grandpa’s are still on there. They played. My heart seemed to weigh down again, but God this is my case. And I’m going to continue to come to you with this case as many times as my heart continues to miss my grandpa. With this case, I trust you’ll fill me with joy and the wisdom that grandpa is just as excited to see me one day as I am to see him again.

I also feel like I need to be praying for a strengthening desire of His Spirit in me. You can never have enough! So often, I judge how I’m doing or the person I’m being based on how or who I was yesterday. When realistically, a past me is not a scale to be using for comparison. His Spirit is something spontaneous and new everyday… not continually growing day by day like us, but it’s fresh and constant, bringing a different task or ability to the table every morning.  So I won’t be praying for a stronger Maddie, but a needy, clingy type of Maddie…desperate for the fill of the constant Spirit.

Also, I love my grandpa.

And…Moffitt in a week !

And.. good luck to all you Lake Aurora counselors this week! :)

Photo Cred to Jeff Brockman.
My amazing, loving & encouraging cousin, thank you for your constant love!