Going Back to Bald...

One of my last chemotherapies, I remember being extremely depressed at the whole situation. that I was stuck there. that I had turned boring. that I wasn't motivated to move. My phone had gone off a bazillion times and people wanted to come visit. No. I wouldn't have that, "I don't want people right now," I remember thinking.
Well low and behold, Annie Mayberry makes her way up to Moffitt anyways. Oh that Annie Mayberry :) God is God. She said she felt she was supposed to be there in that dreadful room with me... Turns out...we had the greatest time! We laughed, we cried, we swapped stories. I remember thanking God for being more stubborn than me and need to have His way over mine.  Well, right before Annie leaves she says, "hey listen to Oceans by Hillsong".

I did. I loved it. But never listened to it again...

Months and months go by. Hillsong comes in town! BFF Alaina and I got tickets, I was so excited to get Jesus music blasted in my ear drums. Mind you, I still hadn't and still can't go to church...the crowds and what not. My immune system is still trying to find its way home :/ But I chanced it and went to Hillsong.  It was hard for me. I had to keep sitting down like a grandma at a rock concert. EMBARRASSING.  I'm sure people are looking like

      "why does that teenage boy keep sitting down every other song..."

Well, then, lead singer man prays for the hopeless feeling and lost people of the world. I thought "oh nice prayer. Time to sit again" Then it comes on...

This song I hadn't heard since my Annie Mayberry night! You'd think I'd be happy to hear it again, but I wasn't. As soon as the first line finishes, I'm crying like a darn baby. This wave of depression, and loneliness had completely taken over. My heart hurt just like it did the night Annie Mayberry had me listen to Oceans the first time. Then the dude's prayer for the hopeless came back into my thoughts and I realized I had let myself feel hopeless in Moffitt. Then the feeling magnifies. And I started to hurt even more, not for myself, but for the people who don't know Jesus that are sitting in Moffitt. The people that are there way longer than I ever had to be. The people that have to call that place home until they're "released". Jail. They're stuck there until they're told they can go. Jail. (Sorry to all my facebook friends who were my nurses...you made it a fun jail).

So I start praying for these people. Cancer patients. Who don't know Jesus. Oh how they must fear death and pain.

Then it's like I hear God's whisper. "Bring these people to Me. Bring these people to Hope, bald." And I start crying even harder because I thought I was being told to stay bald and minister to people at Moffitt... which now that I think about it doesn't make too much sense, actually.

Weeks go by and I obviously pray a lot about this because ...i don't want to be bald. As I was finishing a letter to God on December 27, it hits like a load of brownies. I'm supposed to be bringing hope to these people, showing the Light in their darkness. (the Light being God). I really am supposed to do this bald..

Bring
A
Light
  to the
Darkness

So as 2014 kicks off, so does BALD. To be delivered tomorrow:

 

      

From Lucas

Adding more to the bag later from Allie

    This is a God thing. 100%. If you tell me good job or something, I'll delete it... BUT, if you want to join the BALD community, I'm going to prayerfully make this an every holiday thing!

Anywho, I hear the fireworks.

2013 was interesting,

sad,

hard,

full of growth,

crazy,

full of new things,

full of lost things,

most of all, was COMPLETELY saturated in Jesus Christ.

All glory be to God, forever and ever! AMEN 2013!!!!!!!

Fall Out Boy and tumors

I don't know why I feel like it's okay to skip so many months of blogging..I guess because nothing new and exciting never pops up... until now :)

A week or two ago, Luke and I hit an extremely rocky point. If you've ever been in a relationship with a real, living human being, I'm sure you can agree that it's not all sunflowers and rock hard abs. Except, this rocky point was seeming to stretch, for days and days. It was hard and sad and unbelievable that it had the timing that it did. My mom came to sleepover one night, Sarah Garrison kept me company the next night and Sunday morning Heather called to talk about Jesus. I was surrounded by strength and wisdom.

                      



Heather is the daughter, mom, wife and mentor that I hope to be someday. She speaks so much truth into my life and is spiritually strengthening. Heather is always making sure my Jesus relationship is growing daily and I couldn't be more thankful for her.



So we talk and she goes onto explain spiritual warfare in the most personal way I have ever witnessed it. Throughout cancer, Luke and I have gotten to show Jesus to a lot of people... His grace, love, plans and compassion. Since we've stopped treatments, Luke's led a couple nights of worship and I've been reunited with all my adopted daughters at Harborside to help with some small groups. Of course there's a spiritual battle going on to break us. Satan has tried to physically and emotionally break us throughout our cancer. Now he's aiming to spiritually break us. ...I don't think so, mister.  

It was at that point that I was finally able to get my mindset out of the crazy, emotional one and into the strong spiritual one. It was also at that point that I started repeating "satan you will not win us. satan you will not win us." Out loud and in my thoughts. It was at that point that Luke called and said he was coming over to follow through with plans we made. 

And it was at that point that Satan got it... our relationship belongs to Jesus and HE holds the victory. Never have I ever seen a verse hit me at the angle that this has...

James 4:7 " Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you"

We arrive to our planned destination and the second our feet hit the FallOut Boy concert grounds, the blessings begin to POUR. The feeling of winning that battle with God was something I've only felt a few times and it was incredible.  

FOB:  Instantly we walk in to find Dirty..Jon Miller..who takes us downstairs to meet the band. Pete Wentz remembers me (and RyAnn who gave us the best night ever) from a Halloween picture taken in middle school that my dad had him sign. Then I tell them I'm almost cancer free and FALLOUT BOY CLAPPED FOR ME. as a group. they applauded me. I thought I died... Then we get asked to step off to the side and a security guard leads us to backstage. Even more backstage. Dressing room status. It's Luke, me, security guard and Pete Wentz. Wait,...what did I just type?...Pete wentz. Us. Thats all.  Pete gets us side stage seats and leaves the room..then the security guard tells us how to exit and leaves. We're in the dressing rooms... Eventually we leave, get to our seats and watch the best show ever.  (besides Katy Perry--who a 101.5 dude said he could get my lip syncing video to) Then! Applebees after and peace ever since between us beautiful people. Praise God! 







A few more days pass and my mom asks me to go to this cancer seminar. I walk into this room to see all this crazy Maximized Living workers everywhere. I went to check out this  Maximized Living thing as a holistic approach to healing when I was first diagnosed and blew it off. Now it's back...right in my face. I sit and listen to the seminar and I'm hooked. I don't know how much more obvious God could've been. My Bible study that morning was on the power of God's creation, specifically the gardens and the greens he grew. Then I'm hearing that these are things that can heal me?  Well, I'm in. 

Few more days later, Alaina texts me with a verse of the day. 

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to the glory in Christ."

 Finally after the longest day ever of wrong scans, broken computers and new employees who know nothing, I get my results back that my tumor is still in my chest. JAMES 4:7 ALL OVER AGAIN......and its then that I have to choose 6 more weeks of chemo, 3+ weeks of radiation everyday or do nothing. 

I chose nothing.

It's through prayer, Bible, holistic and granola cruncher ways that we're going to beat this thing. Man made chemicals and radiating pumps into my body? no! I'm done hurting. I'm done weakening myself. I have a powerful God and I'm relying on powerless things. No more. 

I want to walk in heels again. I want to walk up my stairs. I want to go a day without a hot flash or crazed hormones. 

I'm claiming healing and healing has claimed me, 
in Jesus' name.

Publix Humiliation

"One Thing Remains" started playing on my shuffle a few minutes ago...it says "and on and on it goes, yes it overwhelms my soul" and without hesitating, I found myself agreeing, yeah my struggles are going on and on and overwhelming my insides.     Within about a 3 second reality check, the song screams at me to let Jesus' love be what goes on and on, overwhelming and satisfying me. 

I finished by 4th chemo treatment today and I'm starting to understand the weak, physical body feeling. Something is always aching. Last week, Grammie was diagnosed with cancer. This week Luke's grandma is being biopsied for what may be cancer. And today, my precious little 11 year old baby brother was taken to the ER with strep and mono. Doctors concluded I can't see him for 4-6 weeks.    what. 

I promise, Jesus, that I will NEVER complain about another thing ever again for the rest of my life. Sheesh. I'm thankful for everything, you can lighten up any time now.

Actually, I don't know that I'd want Him to lighten up just yet. Godly things are at work because of all this mess and I love it. I mean I wish it didn't take publicly humiliating myself but...

 I went to Publix the night I got home and passed out in the parking lot on the way to my car. So I come to and this lady is helping me sit up on the curb...turns out she's an RN. She has someone get me water, while her husband(?) is picking me up and hold-walking me to her car. Obviously, I'm thanking them like crazy and he says "please, stop. this is what God made the family for. we're meant to be here for each other."   Trying not to cry, I watch the man and his son walk into Publix and his wife and I drive to my apartment as she tells me that she swears her son has this crazy strong connection with God. He was diagnosed with cancer at 2 and is now in remission at age 11, loving and being thankful for every haircut and cheeseburger she buys him.  This amazing lady grabs all my groceries from her car and walks them up to my apartment and leaves her name and number in case I needed her again. Wow. 

THIS IS FAITH FAMILY. It seems like it's gotten so easy for people to say they believe in Jesus. God is used way too much as just a 'give-me-peace-my-life-sucks' mindset or when somebody dies, God seems to magically become top of the list to comfort those hurting. Is he not there when we don't feel like having him there?   This is really pushing in my thoughts for some reason, but sophomore year at Countryside a very beautiful, very fun girl named Chelsea passed away. Needless to say, Countryside had an even more depressing feeling to it for the next few months as people healed. But it seemed that as soon as she died, it became "the thing" to rely on God. Bible verses were getting posted, church numbers went up...but as soon as that got old, the drinking and smoking and all the worldly things started right back up. 

I'm not perfect. I don't live perfectly.   Knowing that Jesus was perfect, makes me want to be like Him so I'm going to follow him...forever. Because feeling His spirit constantly and watching Him turn such broken things into something so beautiful, is more than I could ask for. Especially in this time of my life. When absolutely nothing is going right. (well "right" in the world's eyes. They're perfect in His and I pray for God's peace to know this)  I am so very thankful for the Publix people, because had they not been the real & alive followers of Christ that they are, I don't know what I would've done. And I certainly wouldn't have felt the comfort of the Spirit that was in their touch. They weren't just good people...they were Jesus to me. 


"Remind me, you take broken things and turn them into beautiful.
I'll stop praying for an escape.
I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you will have Your way.
Even if my dreams have died,

 I'll still worship you with all of my life."

-Britt Nicole, Have Your Way


I seriously love my life, I am so so blessed. I believe it whole heartedly!! When I close my eyes, I like to just sit in front of my mind's image of Jesus and hug Him. Literally just let His comfort take over and rest in His arms. Being in God's presence, Bible out in front, listening to worship songs is what's keeping me alive in this moment. It's so strengthening and encouraging. But just because cancer stops doesn't mean these nights will. I'm going to need this for the rest of my life. To get rejuvenated in Christ. Because constantly being in the world, is hard.  So I'm closing on this world for the night...and finishing up some Job. :)


Job 19:25 "I know that MY REDEEMER LIVES."

Presents & Buts

It never really occurred to me that chemo was a lifestyle. I had gone with grandpa, only a few times, when he was being treated. But it never crossed my thoughts that chemo was as life-taking as it is. I wish that I had given grandpa more time, especially through his chemo. Chemo sets the schedule for your life. It determines what or how much you eat (or don’t). It takes away and replaces your old friends with nurses and other patients. It has the capability to ruin your insides. It changes your habits. But nowhere in all of that does chemo have the power to crush the Spirit of God living in me.

I honestly started writing with this with major heartache intending to go into a schpeel on grandpa…and selflessness and time. But that was just changed… the Spirit is powerful. Prayer is obviously powerful… I’m learning that no struggle whether it be heart break, cancer, (insert your pain & struggle here), is too much for God. We let ourselves think about this certain thing over and over…we pray about it (if we feel like it)…and keep thinking about it and struggling over it. Where’s the trust in that?  Where in my over thinking and my shallow hearted prayers am I actually trusting God?

TRUST, NO BUTS

is my new life theme.

It’s easy to think about something…anything. But when was the last time I prayed about it and never gave it a second thought?   I’ve been reading a lot of Job, because his life sucks just like mine, and the first response his friend gave him was this, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” (Job 5:8)    So, I stole his idea.

Present your case to God,

And trust Him with no buts.

God, my prayer tonight is for healing. A healing of cancer would be nice, but more so my heart. I went through my phone to delete my voicemails and the 2 I saved of grandpa’s are still on there. They played. My heart seemed to weigh down again, but God this is my case. And I’m going to continue to come to you with this case as many times as my heart continues to miss my grandpa. With this case, I trust you’ll fill me with joy and the wisdom that grandpa is just as excited to see me one day as I am to see him again.

I also feel like I need to be praying for a strengthening desire of His Spirit in me. You can never have enough! So often, I judge how I’m doing or the person I’m being based on how or who I was yesterday. When realistically, a past me is not a scale to be using for comparison. His Spirit is something spontaneous and new everyday… not continually growing day by day like us, but it’s fresh and constant, bringing a different task or ability to the table every morning.  So I won’t be praying for a stronger Maddie, but a needy, clingy type of Maddie…desperate for the fill of the constant Spirit.

Also, I love my grandpa.

And…Moffitt in a week !

And.. good luck to all you Lake Aurora counselors this week! :)

Photo Cred to Jeff Brockman.
My amazing, loving & encouraging cousin, thank you for your constant love!

Engagement Rings & Hospital Bracelets

I was sitting in Moffitt during my last treatment and I received 3 phone calls in ONE day of friends getting engaged. Um what. Obviously, I can't help but be ecstatic because my friends are in love and what an incredible chapter to be writing! 

But let me throw in 4 seconds of a maddie miller pity party... I can't help but think about all of these life changing jewelries that are going around... and the one that I get is a chemotherapy hospital bracelet.  ...I said pity party, did I not?...

Now let me throw in 10 minutes of praise the Lord... I was talking to the Man on my way home from dinner and in being still (and focusing on the road...) with Him , I realized realistically, deeply and truly how excited I am to own this cancer...to wear this bracelet. This annoying, hideous, white bracelet. Because can I tell you what this bracelet means to me?    

its an assignment: a mission field bigger than any in my wildest dreams.
its a joy: God chose me to fulfill such a huge plan of spreading His name
its a race: in which I must be training myself daily to take every step with Christ 
its a victory: knowing my God has already won the spiritual battles 
its a comfort: reminding me that God is in control, planned what's next and gone through it
its a commitment: between me & Jesus to do life together in this divine love

This may not be an engagement ring, but it's MY life changing piece of jewelry and I love it.

Gametime, finish the sentence:
I'm pretty sure that the only way someone could be excited about cancer is...
if there's a God that's alive and sending his own spirit to go live in them. 
if they were SURROUNDED by love, support and encouragement.
if prayers were constantly flowing.
if lives were changing and others started seeing who Jesus is because of it.
if their mailbox was always full of love!

Let me just also say that God..Jesus..Holy Spirit..just not equivalent to anything else in the universe. I'm starting to really see how deep and real a relationship with Jesus can go. I mean: church (check), small group (check). Things with God can just get so religious and terrible and mediocre. but we're getting offered a love, a relationship that can't match anything else. A love that doesn't let us worry for even a second, or have fear at all! A love that is constant. A love full of surprises. Who doesn't want a cute love story...

I woke up the other morning stressing about my rent for some reason...probably because I didn't have it. (can't work) So I decided I'd take it out of my savings, but that wasn't really sitting right with me. I told Jesus all day that it was stressing me a tad.. It was in the back of my mind all day...until I get to the mail box. I open box #58 and of course that's in there Jesus. 

A check for my next 2 months of rent.

Can you just read that one more time? Seriously. This happened. Praise God! 
List of other blessings that've come out of my ugly bracelet:
Printer
A donated photo shoot by Corey & Abbey Conroy 
A decorated apartment
Food!
Clothes & real jewelry
Flowers & giftcards
Baskets full of goodies!
Planned fundraiser (in August! keep your eyes peeled for a date!)
Paul, my fish
the Rest of my kitchen appliances & cheetah print high heel chair (thanks Dad;)
A new scar
A wig (elaborated below)
My dream job (elaborated below)

MY HAIR
Journal Entry 5/28 No Hair for My Hairbrush
I wake up to lots of hair piles on my pillow. I ran my fingers through my hair and came out with handfuls of hair... My eyes start to water so I grab my trash can and sit cross cross apple sauce in front of it and spend the next 15 minutes of my short little life bawling my eyes out and pulling out what's left of my hair. Boyfriend at the time comes over and crashes my party, holds me, says all these perfect words and picks me up to take me to a salon to get the rest buzzed off. I really didn't want the hair lady to turn my chair around because in my head, being bald was going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. So I go home, hours go by and I'm alone, I take it off when I get this a text that says this (keep in mind Maddie Williams didn't know I had just lost my hair, no one did):


"Maddie-I found these notes and I think I'm supposed to send them to you- Beauty doesn't come from the adornment of clothes, jewelry or hair. External beauty changes, after a while it all becomes "ugly". It's inner beauty that matters, that will be eternal.The Bible was written thousands of years ago and the words to describe a beautiful person are the same as now. So being created by God, we know that we don't need the adornment of clothes or anything to be beautiful."  



There it was-my reminder of where my confidence comes from and a reminder of Who makes me beautiful, not what makes me beautiful. So I took the wig off and never put it back on...Extremely much to my surprise, I liked life a lot better without the wig. It keeps me cool...like a manly cool. Since I'm bald. However, I'm pretty sure 99% of people that look at me, think that I did this for fun. Welcome to 2013 I guess. So that's that, the bald life is the great life and give your fears to the Lord because only He knows how to comfort you in the mightiest way! (Enjoy today's wig photoshoot)

MY DREAM JOB
Blaze Allure Events has been officially made an LLC. Website to come! Send me weddings, fundraisers, and events to plan!! It soothes me to organize. Also...the business cards are adorable, so come get one!



YOUR struggles...try Jesus & pray for them. You weren't meant to deal with it alone.

Choose the Holy Spirit daily...well only if you want joy, purpose, peace, & comfort. ;)

This is getting long...Moffitt on Wednesday for a week! 
Inbox me what I can pray for you for!
I miss my grandpa..
And my favorite Bible verse is John 14:16-17
"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (Encourager, Comforter), who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth...But you know him, because he lives with you now, and later will live in you."

Enough is Enough

Jesus Calling devotional:

"Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you.

This continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace.

Moreover, I will help you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what does not. Fix your eyes on what is seen, (your circumstance), but on what is unseen, (My Presence)."                  -2 Corinthians 4:18

I guess God really does have every little life detail planned out. That was my devo for the morning and it fits perfectly exactly into my day..

I woke up late for a cancer lab test appointment thing and rushed to the office. I sat down with my scheduling lady as she gave me all of my appointments for this week and next.  We worked on switching all of tomorrow's appointments because of grandpa's funeral and were on our way. Walking down the stairs and into the parking lot, it seemed to all weigh on me. And as I opened my car door to see Grandpa's funeral program in the passenger seat, I cracked.

I just had to push my CANCER PATIENT APPOINTMENTS around so that I could make it to my GRANDPAS FUNERAL...   I lost it.                This is me admitting my first moment of weakness. It's like everything that I knew to be true had just been shut out and all I could feel and think was that my 1 absolute favorite man to walk this earth was gone. He was supposed to play bingo with me tomorrow. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle in a few years. He was supposed to be there when I walked in his front door yelling, "Maddie Maddie from Cincinnati!" like he always does, and make fun of my prayers for being too long.

I thank God for God, because without His son, I don't know that I could do this. The song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West has been stuck in my head. Lyrics like this...


"You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own


I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now, I'm asking you to be

Strong enough for the both of us


Well maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up

And reaching out


Cause I'm broken, down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and you are strong when I am weak


I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

and I don't have to be 

Strong Enough"


So these lyrics flood in my thoughts and a friend reminds me that grandpa isn't gone, it's just his shell. Grandpa's clinging to Jesus now, who is my strength. All of this is only temporary and comforts me in the Word of God, reminding me of all of Christ's promises.



God is good and God is holding my family. God is holding every minute detail and heart break of ours. He has it. He has a plan. Grandpa was such a hoot and there will be floods of people at his funeral, I pray that the Holy Spirit 2000% takes over and as I walk up to give Grandpa's eulogy tomorrow, that He can change lives in the room...that people will strengthen, or even start walking with Christ.


Don't let a temporary problem or the decease of someone's shell weigh you down, God has His Holy Spirit to give you and THAT is what needs to be alive.






Grandpa, you changed my world,

 I'll be seein' you