California Dream ...wasn't a dream

Today marks a pretty killer day in the history of Deep See. First of all, we have officially reached over 10,000 page views!! Thank you all so, so much for reading and following and supporting and encouraging! I had no idea that God was taking this blog so far and I can't wait to see what's coming, I hope you stick along for the ride :)          Second of all, Deep See has made a little transformation! Past posts have had a lot of focus in life struggles. But be ready for future posts to also include living life fully alive, both eyes wide open - traveling stories, health tips, etc.  But don't let this transformation fool you. This blog and its readers will forever be prayed over. The posts will forever be fully influenced by the Spirit of Christ in me. So please, I ask you to remember
Philippians 2:13 "For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases Him."  These writings, these posts, these words...all because of Jesus. And it's all because of Jesus that not only this blog has been transformed, but so have I.


I have to admit that after Luke & I split, I walked around convincing myself daily that I was healed and that I was fine. I would pray about it and talk to my mentors about it but my heart would still hurt and the tears were still falling. Somewhere in there, I also convinced myself that I did everything I could to give the pain and the weight to God, but it didn't work. So I turned to instant gratification and here comes some vulnerability...it was at this time that I found myself around more bars, clubs, alcohol and guys than ever before. All that stuff seemed to take the weight off and all that stuff taught me that I didn't need to care about being fully healed. It was ok to live with only one eye open as long as I had temporary fixes. Needless to say, my Jesus relationship had weakened and my admiration of the world became so much greater.

{side note- there's nothing wrong with alcohol unless used for healing or
crazy drunken purposes. Jesus turned water in wine, guys.  He kept the parties going and frowned upon lukewarm believers & their religious activity.
Read John 2.
"For the Kingdom of God is not a matter of what we eat or drink, but of living a life of goodness, peace, joy and fullness in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17}


COLORADO : HEALING

After happily (the deceived kind) walking around rock bottom for a while, I had the honor of being a bridesmaid in Courteney (now) Mile's wedding in Colorado.
MFF (Maddie Fun Fact): traveling is what wakes me up, it's my passion!

Needless to say, I was so pumped to be going somewhere new and seeing this girl I hadn't seen in years! I think there was also some secret joy in being pulled away from this life I had created for myself. Here's the first journal entry:

"We (me & Jesus) did it! We left at 8:50 headed towards Colorado. I'm running on 3 hours of sleep which led to the most uncomfortable ride in the middle seat...Anyways, not even 30 minutes 'til touch down. Jesus, we have an entire 12 days to do whatever we want. 12 days for you to guide, teach and re mold me. 12 days you don't have to fight for my attention. Here's my heart, Lord. Here's my life, Lord. Speak what is true.    -M"

I spent 4 beautiful days with Courteney & family in Colorado. It was here that I got to be apart of one of the most beautiful and real weddings I've ever seen. It was here that I had to face full healing. I journaled every night and one night, I couldn't sleep after a journal entry. It sounds crazy but I felt like God was keeping me up. He had something for me. So I grabbed my phone and put on some worship music, opened up the notes app and just wrote. Truly by the power of the Holy Spirit in me, He wrote to me.

"My daughter, have I not proven to you over and over again that you can trust me? That I bring full healing? I won't let pain linger. Remember, my love, when you have a hard time letting go of that relationship, that it wasn't love. For I am Love. And I was not recognized between the two of you. It was bondages of lust and comfort that kept you going. These are what brought your attachment, your feelings. Not me. But listen, daughter, I am handcrafting a man for you. One that I will bring to you in my timing. Undeniably, by my power alone. One that knows Me and loves Me, so in turn, will know how to love you the way I truly intended. Can you even imagine what a relationship brought together by Me and Me alone will look like? Daughter, until then, let me hold your heart. Let me take away this lingering pain. Let me show you, once again, my faithfulness and healing. I'm jealous for your love, your heart. Choose me to be the one who holds it."

That night, He rocked my world. and I haven't felt that deep pain since that night before I accepted His offer.

SAN DIEGO : BRAVERY & GRACE

I arrived in San Diego on Sunday where I'd be staying for 3 days with the precious Stacey and Nick Rawson. I really had no plan in California, I just knew I wanted to see San Diego & LA, so I did. (Thank you, Jesus, for that spontaneity molded in me!) Nick & Stacey let me stay with them because they're great, they even gave me a car to use. I mean these people are perfect.... The first night I was there, they took me to a beach bonfire for their high school ministry. I met lots and lots of new people and eventually made it to one girl who I particularly seemed to click with. By the end of our conversation, Catie had given me a 3 day itinerary of things/places to see in LA AND a place to stay. A safe place, mom;)

I spent all of my San Diego mornings at the Living Room, another recommended CA place! It was the greatest little vintage coffee shop with the best breakfasts & most quiet places to be still.

June 9 Journal entry:

"I'm sitting on a cliff overlooking miles of ocean listening to the seals of La Jolla talk to each other. It's cloudy and a little chilly, but nowhere and nothing could take the cake on where I just ate lunch. A little cave in this cliff. Just me & Jesus. This place is immaculate. I've never seen anything like it. I have a strengthened desire for my God being in the middle of His artistry and craftsmanship. My heart craves His. Finally."

I spent 3 1/2 incredible days in San Diego with Stacey & Nick and Allegra (new friend!!). It was here that I got to explore and experience completely new places. It was here that I learned bravery & grace. A sermon that just happened to be at the right place, at the right time (wonder who planned that one...)

<iframe src="//player.vimeo.com/video/97722063" width="500" height="281" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe> <p><a href="http://vimeo.com/97722063">Invisible Week 2</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/thechapelvids">theChapel.cc</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>

Read John 2 again... The woman at the well's answer to Jesus wasn't "help me, heal me, restore me" it was avoiding the subject, "oh..so you did this thing the other day..."

-our pain can force us to look away from Jesus, causing Him to become invisible in our lives.
-we render Him invisible when He doesn't do things the way we want & when we want. And because we can't always wrap our mind around His way and reason it, we miss Him and go back to what's comfortable for us

That San Diego is beaut. The next day, I ventured out and hiked up Cowels Mountain but couldn't get down it fast enough to go lay out at Coronado Beach. Obviously, there's a favorite between the two. Both, however, came with drop dead gorgeous scenery that's forever stuck in my memory :)

LOS ANGELES : FULLY SATISFIED

Wednesday was travel day. I took my first train ride from San Diego to LA & it was beautiful! I made new friends at the station that were a total God send. They pointed me in the direction that I needed to go then happened to be on the same train! June 11 journal entry:

AM: "As for today, we've officially reached out half way point to LA. Arrival time should be around 5:40. I woke up today with no plan. Just cleaned up the apartment and went to the train station. I'll try to rent a car at LAX but we'll see. Who knows how that'll go. Jesus."

PM: "Goodnight June 11. You were full of firsts and multiple God stories: first train ride, first city bus ride (train station to LAX), not so first shuttle ride, first car rental on my own. Through all this crazy mess, I met people...Now I lay in a stranger's bed, in a stranger's guest house. Travel time today 2:40-8:00. Lord, you made it possible to be here. To be alive. Let's let loose on this city tomorrow! All glory to you. All power from you. My life lived for you. Let bravery and grace, peace and joy show off their stuff. Thank you for ridding me of my fear of silence. My life is Yours.  -M"

The next day, I went to Intelligensia Coffee shop where I met the love of my life. Red plaid shirt. He made my coffee and it was love at first site. But reality..., I had on my HE>I shirt that day, so I made that my prayer. That every move I make, I realize that He is undeniably greater than me. Except, I didn't act that way. I spoke it, but didn't act it. I tried to take my plans into my own hands that day. I went to the Universal Studio's lot tour doing everything I could to find the Pretty Little Liars cast. They filmed that day. And ALL of my little good, yet deceiving plans failed, I didn't find any of them, and I was mad. Funny thing was that my Bible app just happened to open itself (which it never does) to the verse of the day which was:
Titus 2:11-12 "For the grace of God has been revealed, bringing salvation to all people. And we are instructed to turn from godless living and sinful pleasures. Live with devotion to God.." Let God handle it.
But my shirt did get recognition from 3 other people on the lot wearing HE>i stuff. That was cool...
( http://www.hegreaterthani.com )


June 12, I wrote about a date I went on. The girl that I met in San Diego (Catie) drove up to LA to take me out! She took me to Cafe 101 next to the Hollywood Hotel (Marilyn Monroe's hotel) and then covered my eyes until we got to the top of the Griffith Observatory, which overlooks all of LA. The hills, downtown, everything. It was beautiful. It was a beautiful time with a beautiful new mentor.

June 13 journal entry:
"God, you've done enough. I'm sorry I moped around for not getting my way with the PLL cast. YOU set the bar by sending Jesus to love me, die for me & guide me. THAT should be what satisfies me...more than satisfies. As for this trip, your healing and restoration is way more than satisfying. You are my eternal Surpriser." <<Does the second sentence not just scream highly emotional/dumb :|

 That day, I had lunch with Ali Roland. I girl that I met at the Passion Conference in 2013 in Atlanta who just happened to be in LA at the same time. God works in absolutely surprising, crazy ways! It was about 5 minutes after my lunch date ended with Ali that Shaye Mitchell (Pretty Little Liars cast) posted an invite to a Q&A she was having downtown. God, what? So I went and I was 1 of 20 people sitting in a circle with her. I got a chance to thank her, hug her and give her a letter for the rest of her cast and crew thanking them for helping me through chemo. God had something SO much bigger than what I had planned. Instead of handing her a letter in passing on the studio tour, He took me right to her and gave me so much time with her. Our God is a surprising God!

So I went to the Ivy. I definitely recommend checking this restaurant out, too. SO worth the expensive meal... I was journaling when the table behind me invited me to sit with them so they could hear about my cancer & remission & my life. They felt like immediate family. I spoke with them for about 30 minutes before they invited me to their next event: The SoHo House.  A social club for Hollywood celebrities and producers. Yep, it was as big of a deal as it sounds. I spent my night with Michelle, producer of The Doctors, and Brannon Braga, writer/producer of Star Trek, Mission Impossible, Twenty Four and his latest & greatest, Salem. Insanely incredible people. They let me run around and explore the SoHo House on my own where I met a few different Hollywood producers and may or may not have been in  the presence of Bono & the rest of U2 for a little bit. I felt like I was dreaming, you guys.  But at the same time, I felt the godlessness of that place. I felt a lot of self-empowered people. A lot of unfulfilled people. And here is where my new mission lies... I hung out for a little while longer after Brannon & Michelle left. You see, there was this gorgeous group of guys that had walked in...and well....I had to stay.

The next day was my last day and God started it with a new friend, Meagan, from Robert Pattinson's favorite breakfast place. We talked about God and living life with both eyes open, sharing similar stories. What an ending to this trip...


There's so much more to all of this...so many more God stories. So much depth I skipped over. But it'll all come out over time. I hope you stick around to follow this mission that God has set me on: to bring Jesus to LA and counteract Hollywood's ways, the rock of our culture. It's big but God's bigger.

And my journal entries end with this on June 14:
"When I prayed for you to speak what is true in my heart and in my life on day one,
I had no idea what I had signed up for."

My remission trip was one of healing, restoration and new callings.
All because 12 short days were fully surrendered to him.
But imagine a lifetime of surrender...
Our God is an awesome God!

MM

Wuddup Q

Here we are, 1/3 of the way through 2014. How is this possible? I feel like time just keeps pickin’ up the pace. Everyday goes a little quicker, a little faster. Opportunities come, times change, people grow, life happens. But with all of this rapid movement, do I have a designated time to pull away from all of this and just be with God? Read His words, praise Him and thank Him for being God no matter what I’m facing… Through every good and every bad, God is still God and God is still good.

 The beginning of this year started out rough with Luke and I ending our relationship. And the first of Grandpa’s birthdays celebrated without him. Needless to say, we serve a God that loves us enough to care about even our tiniest hurt, so He’s been doing some crazy healing in my heart and in my family’s. On March 2, I went to The Chapel in Tarpon Springs where Pastor Q taught me this:

In James 1, the 12 tribes followed Jesus but were tortured and beaten for doing so. But because of this, the Gospel was spread throughout the land. James 1:2 “..when trouble comes your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.” Joy comes from the delight we have in knowing who the Savior is, no matter the circumstance.

James 1:3 “..know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” Perseverance: the ability to remain under.

>>God uses trials to build the strength & ability in me to remain under who He is, therefore, being the Madison I am called to be<<

Testing always precedes advancement

“When He sees that I’m not attached to anything or anybody more than Him, He’ll give me more to oversee”

---

Ok, so embrace the hurt, don’t bury it. God will use it. And oh boy, has He ever.

It seems like since I sat through that sermon, things have really grown. Rapidly. Opportunities have come up that can’t be explained anything short of God’s doing. In April, alone, I’ve had the opportunity to tell big crowds of people about the hope and peace of knowing Jesus Christ throughout cancer. (Philippians 4:7 “You will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.”) He’s taken B.A.L.D., from our last blog post, to a whole new extreme that I definitely did not see coming. And there’s now a magazine and a website with His name on it.    I will never be a Jesus-down-your-throat-shover, but I will follow His greatest command –to love. And with that, I want to love on people and show the light of Christ to those who are stuck in a dark place, whether it’s because of cancer or not. There’s a hope and a peace to get us through- that was found in the presence of my Savior. Jesus.

“When did love become un-consuming?

When did love become unmoving?

Forget what the world has told me.

My Love, my Father of Love, you can have me.

I will never look back, so Jesus,

Here’s my heart” –Sidewalk Prophets

Please be praying with the next few speaking events coming up- the people listening.

“My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they my have the full riches of complete understand, in order that they may know Christ.” Colossians 2:2

And for my words to be His. (The next speaking event will be the Relay for Life at Palm Harbor University on Friday, May 2! Come hang out if you have an open night)

“May the God of hope fill me with all joy & peace as I trust in Him so that I may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

Just a quick cancer throwback- Thank you to EVERYONE who prayed for, over and with me during cancer. I truly, really know that it is because of those prayers that I am healed. And it’s because of those prayers that cancer, chemo and radiation was way easier than it should’ve been. I’ve gone through my cancer folder in my iPhoto and reading through all of the screenshot texts and Facebook messages just made me thank the Lord like crazy for every single person that encouraged me through. I wish there was a deeper word for thank you, but for now that’s all I got! Just know you are SO appreciated! I was reminded of the power of prayer and encouragement when I went to visit a friend in the hospital a couple weeks ago. He had been in a coma from a motorcycle accident, but because of all the prayer pouring into this guy and his family, the doctors have been ecstatic about his recovery. As of today, we’re almost 3 weeks out from the date of his accident, and Josh Mueller is makin’ his way back to his family & friends. Praise God!

More later, 

just couldn't give out all my secrets at once :)

MM

Going Back to Bald...

One of my last chemotherapies, I remember being extremely depressed at the whole situation. that I was stuck there. that I had turned boring. that I wasn't motivated to move. My phone had gone off a bazillion times and people wanted to come visit. No. I wouldn't have that, "I don't want people right now," I remember thinking.
Well low and behold, Annie Mayberry makes her way up to Moffitt anyways. Oh that Annie Mayberry :) God is God. She said she felt she was supposed to be there in that dreadful room with me... Turns out...we had the greatest time! We laughed, we cried, we swapped stories. I remember thanking God for being more stubborn than me and need to have His way over mine.  Well, right before Annie leaves she says, "hey listen to Oceans by Hillsong".

I did. I loved it. But never listened to it again...

Months and months go by. Hillsong comes in town! BFF Alaina and I got tickets, I was so excited to get Jesus music blasted in my ear drums. Mind you, I still hadn't and still can't go to church...the crowds and what not. My immune system is still trying to find its way home :/ But I chanced it and went to Hillsong.  It was hard for me. I had to keep sitting down like a grandma at a rock concert. EMBARRASSING.  I'm sure people are looking like

      "why does that teenage boy keep sitting down every other song..."

Well, then, lead singer man prays for the hopeless feeling and lost people of the world. I thought "oh nice prayer. Time to sit again" Then it comes on...

This song I hadn't heard since my Annie Mayberry night! You'd think I'd be happy to hear it again, but I wasn't. As soon as the first line finishes, I'm crying like a darn baby. This wave of depression, and loneliness had completely taken over. My heart hurt just like it did the night Annie Mayberry had me listen to Oceans the first time. Then the dude's prayer for the hopeless came back into my thoughts and I realized I had let myself feel hopeless in Moffitt. Then the feeling magnifies. And I started to hurt even more, not for myself, but for the people who don't know Jesus that are sitting in Moffitt. The people that are there way longer than I ever had to be. The people that have to call that place home until they're "released". Jail. They're stuck there until they're told they can go. Jail. (Sorry to all my facebook friends who were my nurses...you made it a fun jail).

So I start praying for these people. Cancer patients. Who don't know Jesus. Oh how they must fear death and pain.

Then it's like I hear God's whisper. "Bring these people to Me. Bring these people to Hope, bald." And I start crying even harder because I thought I was being told to stay bald and minister to people at Moffitt... which now that I think about it doesn't make too much sense, actually.

Weeks go by and I obviously pray a lot about this because ...i don't want to be bald. As I was finishing a letter to God on December 27, it hits like a load of brownies. I'm supposed to be bringing hope to these people, showing the Light in their darkness. (the Light being God). I really am supposed to do this bald..

Bring
A
Light
  to the
Darkness

So as 2014 kicks off, so does BALD. To be delivered tomorrow:

 

      

From Lucas

Adding more to the bag later from Allie

    This is a God thing. 100%. If you tell me good job or something, I'll delete it... BUT, if you want to join the BALD community, I'm going to prayerfully make this an every holiday thing!

Anywho, I hear the fireworks.

2013 was interesting,

sad,

hard,

full of growth,

crazy,

full of new things,

full of lost things,

most of all, was COMPLETELY saturated in Jesus Christ.

All glory be to God, forever and ever! AMEN 2013!!!!!!!

Fall Out Boy and tumors

I don't know why I feel like it's okay to skip so many months of blogging..I guess because nothing new and exciting never pops up... until now :)

A week or two ago, Luke and I hit an extremely rocky point. If you've ever been in a relationship with a real, living human being, I'm sure you can agree that it's not all sunflowers and rock hard abs. Except, this rocky point was seeming to stretch, for days and days. It was hard and sad and unbelievable that it had the timing that it did. My mom came to sleepover one night, Sarah Garrison kept me company the next night and Sunday morning Heather called to talk about Jesus. I was surrounded by strength and wisdom.

                      



Heather is the daughter, mom, wife and mentor that I hope to be someday. She speaks so much truth into my life and is spiritually strengthening. Heather is always making sure my Jesus relationship is growing daily and I couldn't be more thankful for her.



So we talk and she goes onto explain spiritual warfare in the most personal way I have ever witnessed it. Throughout cancer, Luke and I have gotten to show Jesus to a lot of people... His grace, love, plans and compassion. Since we've stopped treatments, Luke's led a couple nights of worship and I've been reunited with all my adopted daughters at Harborside to help with some small groups. Of course there's a spiritual battle going on to break us. Satan has tried to physically and emotionally break us throughout our cancer. Now he's aiming to spiritually break us. ...I don't think so, mister.  

It was at that point that I was finally able to get my mindset out of the crazy, emotional one and into the strong spiritual one. It was also at that point that I started repeating "satan you will not win us. satan you will not win us." Out loud and in my thoughts. It was at that point that Luke called and said he was coming over to follow through with plans we made. 

And it was at that point that Satan got it... our relationship belongs to Jesus and HE holds the victory. Never have I ever seen a verse hit me at the angle that this has...

James 4:7 " Submit yourselves to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you"

We arrive to our planned destination and the second our feet hit the FallOut Boy concert grounds, the blessings begin to POUR. The feeling of winning that battle with God was something I've only felt a few times and it was incredible.  

FOB:  Instantly we walk in to find Dirty..Jon Miller..who takes us downstairs to meet the band. Pete Wentz remembers me (and RyAnn who gave us the best night ever) from a Halloween picture taken in middle school that my dad had him sign. Then I tell them I'm almost cancer free and FALLOUT BOY CLAPPED FOR ME. as a group. they applauded me. I thought I died... Then we get asked to step off to the side and a security guard leads us to backstage. Even more backstage. Dressing room status. It's Luke, me, security guard and Pete Wentz. Wait,...what did I just type?...Pete wentz. Us. Thats all.  Pete gets us side stage seats and leaves the room..then the security guard tells us how to exit and leaves. We're in the dressing rooms... Eventually we leave, get to our seats and watch the best show ever.  (besides Katy Perry--who a 101.5 dude said he could get my lip syncing video to) Then! Applebees after and peace ever since between us beautiful people. Praise God! 







A few more days pass and my mom asks me to go to this cancer seminar. I walk into this room to see all this crazy Maximized Living workers everywhere. I went to check out this  Maximized Living thing as a holistic approach to healing when I was first diagnosed and blew it off. Now it's back...right in my face. I sit and listen to the seminar and I'm hooked. I don't know how much more obvious God could've been. My Bible study that morning was on the power of God's creation, specifically the gardens and the greens he grew. Then I'm hearing that these are things that can heal me?  Well, I'm in. 

Few more days later, Alaina texts me with a verse of the day. 

Philippians 4:19 "And my God will meet all your needs according to the glory in Christ."

 Finally after the longest day ever of wrong scans, broken computers and new employees who know nothing, I get my results back that my tumor is still in my chest. JAMES 4:7 ALL OVER AGAIN......and its then that I have to choose 6 more weeks of chemo, 3+ weeks of radiation everyday or do nothing. 

I chose nothing.

It's through prayer, Bible, holistic and granola cruncher ways that we're going to beat this thing. Man made chemicals and radiating pumps into my body? no! I'm done hurting. I'm done weakening myself. I have a powerful God and I'm relying on powerless things. No more. 

I want to walk in heels again. I want to walk up my stairs. I want to go a day without a hot flash or crazed hormones. 

I'm claiming healing and healing has claimed me, 
in Jesus' name.

Publix Humiliation

"One Thing Remains" started playing on my shuffle a few minutes ago...it says "and on and on it goes, yes it overwhelms my soul" and without hesitating, I found myself agreeing, yeah my struggles are going on and on and overwhelming my insides.     Within about a 3 second reality check, the song screams at me to let Jesus' love be what goes on and on, overwhelming and satisfying me. 

I finished by 4th chemo treatment today and I'm starting to understand the weak, physical body feeling. Something is always aching. Last week, Grammie was diagnosed with cancer. This week Luke's grandma is being biopsied for what may be cancer. And today, my precious little 11 year old baby brother was taken to the ER with strep and mono. Doctors concluded I can't see him for 4-6 weeks.    what. 

I promise, Jesus, that I will NEVER complain about another thing ever again for the rest of my life. Sheesh. I'm thankful for everything, you can lighten up any time now.

Actually, I don't know that I'd want Him to lighten up just yet. Godly things are at work because of all this mess and I love it. I mean I wish it didn't take publicly humiliating myself but...

 I went to Publix the night I got home and passed out in the parking lot on the way to my car. So I come to and this lady is helping me sit up on the curb...turns out she's an RN. She has someone get me water, while her husband(?) is picking me up and hold-walking me to her car. Obviously, I'm thanking them like crazy and he says "please, stop. this is what God made the family for. we're meant to be here for each other."   Trying not to cry, I watch the man and his son walk into Publix and his wife and I drive to my apartment as she tells me that she swears her son has this crazy strong connection with God. He was diagnosed with cancer at 2 and is now in remission at age 11, loving and being thankful for every haircut and cheeseburger she buys him.  This amazing lady grabs all my groceries from her car and walks them up to my apartment and leaves her name and number in case I needed her again. Wow. 

THIS IS FAITH FAMILY. It seems like it's gotten so easy for people to say they believe in Jesus. God is used way too much as just a 'give-me-peace-my-life-sucks' mindset or when somebody dies, God seems to magically become top of the list to comfort those hurting. Is he not there when we don't feel like having him there?   This is really pushing in my thoughts for some reason, but sophomore year at Countryside a very beautiful, very fun girl named Chelsea passed away. Needless to say, Countryside had an even more depressing feeling to it for the next few months as people healed. But it seemed that as soon as she died, it became "the thing" to rely on God. Bible verses were getting posted, church numbers went up...but as soon as that got old, the drinking and smoking and all the worldly things started right back up. 

I'm not perfect. I don't live perfectly.   Knowing that Jesus was perfect, makes me want to be like Him so I'm going to follow him...forever. Because feeling His spirit constantly and watching Him turn such broken things into something so beautiful, is more than I could ask for. Especially in this time of my life. When absolutely nothing is going right. (well "right" in the world's eyes. They're perfect in His and I pray for God's peace to know this)  I am so very thankful for the Publix people, because had they not been the real & alive followers of Christ that they are, I don't know what I would've done. And I certainly wouldn't have felt the comfort of the Spirit that was in their touch. They weren't just good people...they were Jesus to me. 


"Remind me, you take broken things and turn them into beautiful.
I'll stop praying for an escape.
I'll trust you God with where I am and believe that you will have Your way.
Even if my dreams have died,

 I'll still worship you with all of my life."

-Britt Nicole, Have Your Way


I seriously love my life, I am so so blessed. I believe it whole heartedly!! When I close my eyes, I like to just sit in front of my mind's image of Jesus and hug Him. Literally just let His comfort take over and rest in His arms. Being in God's presence, Bible out in front, listening to worship songs is what's keeping me alive in this moment. It's so strengthening and encouraging. But just because cancer stops doesn't mean these nights will. I'm going to need this for the rest of my life. To get rejuvenated in Christ. Because constantly being in the world, is hard.  So I'm closing on this world for the night...and finishing up some Job. :)


Job 19:25 "I know that MY REDEEMER LIVES."

Presents & Buts

It never really occurred to me that chemo was a lifestyle. I had gone with grandpa, only a few times, when he was being treated. But it never crossed my thoughts that chemo was as life-taking as it is. I wish that I had given grandpa more time, especially through his chemo. Chemo sets the schedule for your life. It determines what or how much you eat (or don’t). It takes away and replaces your old friends with nurses and other patients. It has the capability to ruin your insides. It changes your habits. But nowhere in all of that does chemo have the power to crush the Spirit of God living in me.

I honestly started writing with this with major heartache intending to go into a schpeel on grandpa…and selflessness and time. But that was just changed… the Spirit is powerful. Prayer is obviously powerful… I’m learning that no struggle whether it be heart break, cancer, (insert your pain & struggle here), is too much for God. We let ourselves think about this certain thing over and over…we pray about it (if we feel like it)…and keep thinking about it and struggling over it. Where’s the trust in that?  Where in my over thinking and my shallow hearted prayers am I actually trusting God?

TRUST, NO BUTS

is my new life theme.

It’s easy to think about something…anything. But when was the last time I prayed about it and never gave it a second thought?   I’ve been reading a lot of Job, because his life sucks just like mine, and the first response his friend gave him was this, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” (Job 5:8)    So, I stole his idea.

Present your case to God,

And trust Him with no buts.

God, my prayer tonight is for healing. A healing of cancer would be nice, but more so my heart. I went through my phone to delete my voicemails and the 2 I saved of grandpa’s are still on there. They played. My heart seemed to weigh down again, but God this is my case. And I’m going to continue to come to you with this case as many times as my heart continues to miss my grandpa. With this case, I trust you’ll fill me with joy and the wisdom that grandpa is just as excited to see me one day as I am to see him again.

I also feel like I need to be praying for a strengthening desire of His Spirit in me. You can never have enough! So often, I judge how I’m doing or the person I’m being based on how or who I was yesterday. When realistically, a past me is not a scale to be using for comparison. His Spirit is something spontaneous and new everyday… not continually growing day by day like us, but it’s fresh and constant, bringing a different task or ability to the table every morning.  So I won’t be praying for a stronger Maddie, but a needy, clingy type of Maddie…desperate for the fill of the constant Spirit.

Also, I love my grandpa.

And…Moffitt in a week !

And.. good luck to all you Lake Aurora counselors this week! :)

Photo Cred to Jeff Brockman.
My amazing, loving & encouraging cousin, thank you for your constant love!