what the funk

I don't know where to begin. Maybe an explanation of the title? The past however many long months it's been since I've last been in this journal of mine, I've been stuck in this funk...this time of feeling completely numb. Numb to the amazing things like Passion and numb to sin. I'm in no place to be publishing a Jesus journal. But then again, I guess I am. I was reminded today that He uses the weak to lead the strong, so I'm hoping that whatever this is that's going on in my heart, is something for Him to use in some way. 

It seems like I'm writing the same old 'blehh, I have depression' stuff all over again. But I want to try something different this time around. I want to REMEMBER. Remember what I've learned. Remember my past God moments. Remember the people He's put in my life to encourage me. Remember the ways He's used me. Remember the times He was so completely evident. Remember all the "oooooooh" moments I've had with Him. Remember the times worship.

(ugh I need my headphones. I hate Panera music. and whiny children. why'd it just get busy in here all of a sudden..)


Humans are defined not by their limits, but by the intentions I have for them;
not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image.
I am a masterpiece of Christ.

So while the asian man across the tables at Panera awkwardly sits facing me and eats by himself, here are some of the sermons & notes from January....

          PASSION:

God is the God of immeasurably more than I can imagine...let Him replace our hardened hearts with His fully alive and beating ones. 
Ezekial 36:24-27  (v26)"I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stubborn heart and give you a RESPONSIVE heart"
Ezekial 37:1-10 the valley of dry bones-where we're walking 
valley: low & dark place
dry bones: thirsty & desolate
(v3) "can these bones become living people again?"

then picture this!..
(v5) "the Lord says: I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord....Suddenly as aI spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together...They all came to life and stood up on their feet"
seriously,
picture that!

Us...dry bones..
God will SPEAK the Word into us (through circumstance, person, teaching)
God will put BREATH into us
God will ATTACH TENDONS/ cover with skin: repair & restore
We will KNOW that He is God
THE BLIND WILL SEE.

In attempt to control my own life, 
I ruin it...so trust God with it.
But we only trust who we FULLY know.
example, it's effortless to trust a close family member. 
However, if our knowledge doesn't lead to love,
then we have 0 knowledge. 

>>>>>>when I understand and fully receive this free gift (God's crazy love), I'll stop trying to earn it and live freely for Him.


for now...my last sermon notes (and favorite) Franny Chan..

Experiencing God is making disciples.      maybe I need to focus more on this. experiencing God is making disciples... that's guna be in my thoughts the rest of tonight.


>when darkness falls.
 i find my peace in Christ

>my distrust in people can spill over in my relationship with God but
"understand that the Lord your God IS God.He is the faithful God who keeps his promises for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands." Deut. 7:9

even when we're unfaithful, He remains faithful
2 Tim 2:13 ...my actions don't change God                     dry bones can't come to life on
                                                                           their own. we NEED Him.

If we endure through this darkness, we reign with Him



HEAVEN.. we should be like little kids...so excited, jumping up and down for the ice cream man....the time for heaven is coming! Why am I living like a hurt person with my guard up giving Him only a little faith in fear of getting my hopes up & crushed.




I feel like in the flesh, we give God only so much. We trust Him with only so much. When it comes to a sick somebody, we pray and ask Him for help. But when it comes to the tiniest decision, like where should I go for dinner...He's not included. But how do you that He doesn't have a person or a plan waiting for you at this dinner place? It sounds crazy, but God what should I do with my night? Where do you want me to be? Control my heart and my desire for the plan tonight. 

Let my hearts desires match yours so I can be where you
want me, when you want me, with the emotion you 
want me to have. I'm only happy when I have God,
I've learned. Because I'm completely satisfied.

so hopefully this funk goes away soon. God can use it how he wants.
Tomorrow is Disney world.
Next weekend is Miami.
The asian man is still there
Grandpas cancer WILL go away
God will have His way with Luke & I
I'm thankful for my VS jacket I'm wearing
My managers guna be mad when he sees I took off 2 weekends in a row
I love my Christmas phone case from Teresa

I want a renewal in my heart and spirit!

Godependent 'cause people suck

There are really sooo many different kinds of people in this world...and I'm happy Jesus calls us to love all and not be BFF with all...   because people can just really suck sometimes. And I'm guilty but...the lady who cut me off the other day because she was texting with her babies in the back seat, makes her suck more.  

People that aren't the greatest in our eyeballs:

Backstabbers, liars, users, people that claim to care but don't, 

fakes, people that take you for granted...

How do I see Christ in this at all?     I've been praying a lot about this, about seeing Him through all this wrong that's constantly being done. And as I finally see it in writing, the answer's so obvious. I guess I forgot that at one point or another we continually wrong Jesus. A king that stepped down from heaven, took this awful human form and lived, loved, taught us just so we could turn around and crucify him.  Talk about backstabbing,lyingfakesthatclaimtocarebutdontandtakeyouforgranted... 

So in reality, I'm in the same place at the person who burned me...We feel the weight of it when someone wrongs us...but it makes me think about how big our God really is. He handles the weight of the entire world, I can't even deal with 1 person that sucks. And THAT fact is more exciting than the rumor you heard about that one person last week ;)... 

And He doesn't just handle us, He loves, cares, provides, carries us...

with open arms and a graceful heart. 

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens

But then it makes me think this too...if someone can weigh us down and control our happy/sad/upset-ness more than the Lover of our soul can...how Godependent are we? Really? Another person really shouldn't hold our emotions because chances are that person  will suck at some point... When we're wronged, believers in Christ that have the Holy Spirit alive in them have the ability to see this invisible, spiritual world that rises above the visible, physical world. We have the chance to see in the Bible and through miracles and God's divine plans that we live for something so much bigger than a fight or a wrong doing. With His spirit in us, we see those that are broken and in NEED of a Savior.    

 I think back to past pains from people and sadly enough...most come from a member of the body of Christ. No wonder one of the leading causes of atheism are dead spirit christians. 

But again..thank God for God. If His beauty wasn't so evident in this world and His healing love wasn't constantly in pursuit...I can't say that I know where I'd be right now. 

A friend said this.."Maddie, if Jesus wasn't truly real, I think I'd be a tease"  lol

My prayer is to keep my eyes on this invisible, spiritual world that holds a hope for me like nothing else can give...on a God that can restore & revive my heart daily. To rise above and keep my eyes on the never ending path where my Lover waits at the end for me with open arms.  Picture that!!! Man, how cool is that !?

"There will be a day with no more tears

No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to You always"

Jeremy Camp

 God is SO good!
My prayer is for a heart like Christ's...to have the grace and peace that He gives.
To forgive me for wronging Him. And to forgive like He forgives. 
And most of all..to be so Godependent I don't even know what to do with myself!!

People suck...but my Beloved doesn't
:) 

mountain of Whoville

God, my desire is for your words to be spoken, for this blog to be yours and my frustrations to go away. I want to write. I want to write. I want to write. Use my hands. 

Faith: (n) Complete trust or confidence in someone or something


God is so faithful. And if we don't believe that, then we're missing a huge piece of who God is. It's not just believing either..it's knowing, feeling, genuinely trusting that He's faithful. It's reading in Scripture of all the ways He provided and loved and pursued. 

What I don't understand, is how we read about His faithfulness and we experience His faithfulness, yet we forget and choose our own way. A really awesome friend of mine, Christen, drove us up to Jacksonville a few weeks ago. We went to this amazing, Spirit-filled church called Celebration. The pastor spoke about how we don't live on the mountain top, but we temporarily go into the valley to bring people up. This is God being SO faithful to my prayers. I've been kinda concerned with my relationship with Jesus being on this roller coaster. It's up, it's down, it's up..I would get frustrated at myself for not being on this constant high. 

But in 1 Kings, Elijah sees God in so many ways, has so many mountain top experiences: he gets food from the raven, his family's provided for, he brings a dead boy to life, he wins a "God face-off" with King Ahab. All these things were so evidently God. But after all of this, Elijah's life is threatened once and he runs away from the direction God has him. 

So I'm asking God what he wants written in this blog, and He..again..is faithful. I've been Elijah this month. I've been experiencing AMAZING mountain tops and yet, I chose me when it came to making a big decision this past week. 

MT (mountain top) #1: That sermon 
MT#2: Thinking. Loving. Doing. by John Piper. Our struggles start as a small thought in our mind. We see what we want to see. (scientifically proven)
MT#3: Passion planning...where pieces are missing, new pieces are slowly and faithfully being put into place. People are dropping and new people are taking their place. 
  Dad & I decide to put people into a hotel just to find out the next day Matt's dad has Hilton points...
MT#4: my FAVORITE...I met my friend Katie for Starbucks last week and I start to tell her how I've been praying for an opportunity to plan another high school girls night of struggles for a different church. Right as this is happening, a wonderful woman of Bayside church comes walking up and starts to talk to me about how she's been asked to work on an event to focus on their high school girls' struggles and weaknesses. Literally, nothing like this can be called a coincidence. 
MT#5: Boy keeps coming to church
MT#6: Morgan Henning & I are driving home from rehearsal, and it's quite in the car...out of nowhere, we break into laughter. The Spirit was so overwhelming and so alive in that car ride home, the joy was too much to hold in. 
MT#7: God is continually giving me new ideas & more speakers for this Bayside girls night
MT#8: Bayside's Monday night group... "You can tell a lot about your spiritual hunger by the sins you commit" 
MT#9: He used my past struggle to help out a broken heart tonight
MT#10: God took over my words, heart and thoughts for my last speech in class
MT#11: I've been praying for an accountability partner and God brings me Lindsey Gow, my twin


The list could go on. And I can't finish a single one of those without throwing a smile in the midst of them. God is so faithful and so amazing. 

Then why are we so quick to let our flesh desires take over. God has been working a LOT on me with a struggle of mine. The other day I was battling in my mind about it and I just became still and prayed. I promise, it was like a switch. POWER of prayer and the realness of God's faithfulness. Kari Jobe sings this...

"Love came down and rescued me 
Love came down and set me free 
I am Yours, Lord I'm forever Yours 
Mountains high or valley low 
I sing out and remind my soul 
I am Yours , I am forever Yours "

We will continually have these mountain top experiences. But when we're sent into the valley, we are to remain faithful because He has us there for a reason. "Don't let your fire burn out, somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe. That's how the lost get found" (Britt Nicole)    Whatever your valley is, glorify the name of Christ and you will see Him in that low time. 

In that valley, in that time of darkness... 

                    we are to REMEMBER what God did on the mountain top. 

"same God in the good times as in the valley times"

                           we are to WAIT on God and move when He gives us the go;

"when we don't wait, we run ahead of God, therefore we're out of the will of God"

                                      we are to LISTEN for God with no expectations

"Choose to be in a relationship with the only one who can get you out of the valley"

God is good, 

prayer is powerful

& there's no other Love like this.

Mark 16:15

:)

thank God for God

God is bigger than great and better than incredible, stronger than indescribable and way cooler than unimaginable. I.LOVE.HIM.

This past Sunday, it was put on my heart to challenge my  middle school girls.. if they weren't feeling the love of Christ, that they ask Him to show them He loves them. Or if they weren't confident He was there, ask Him to show up. God used me to challenge them to pray for a heart of Christ, eyes of the Lord and a mind of God. Needless to say, the things God lays on our hearts aren't just for teaching, but for learning and growing our own spirits. 

It's 2:18...and I'm wide awake. The thing about just laying here is that my mind runs a million miles an hour. But there's some nights that the flesh wins and I get stuck in this rut of thinking of the past, how I should've changed something, what mistakes I should've seen coming... But tonight is different. I've been praying to have a mind like Christ's. Just as I was about to jump back into my rut, I promise you there was this tug on my heart. I started playing with my phone...hit the Bible app...and a reminder for one of my old study plans pops up, "Battlefield of the Mind". 

This is when the chills kick in because this is what it says

"The Mind of Christ  (1 Corinthians 2:16)

Paul tells us, as believers in Jesus, the Son of God, we are given the mind of Christ. That is, we can think spiritual thoughts because Christ is alive within us. We no longer think the way we once did. We begin to think as He did. 

When we have the Holy Spirit living and active within us, the mind of Christ is action. The mind of Christ is given to us to direct us in the right way. If we have His mind, we will think positive thoughts. We will think about how blessed we are--how good God has been to us. 

Jesus was positive, in spite of being lied about, lonely, misunderstood, and a multitude of other negative things. He was deserted by His disciples when He needed them most, yet He remained positive--always able to offer an uplifting, encouraging word. Just being in His presence would suggest that all fear, negative thoughts, and discouraging hopelessness would evaporate into thin air.

The mind of Christ in us is positive. So when we fall for the opportunity to be negative about something, we should instantly discern that we are not operating with the mind of Christ. God wants us to be lifted up. It's the enemy of our soul who wants us pressed down--depressed. We have many opportunities to think negative thoughts, but that's not the mind of Christ at work in us. We don't have to accept those thoughts. They are not ours!"



God knows our needs, He knows our wants. God has the power to fulfill both. His timing is impeccable, better than our own.     This is overwhelming because my thoughts usually don't find peace when I'm laying here thinking about nothing. But God has healed that in this very moment. :)  I'm so thankful for Him, 

He's answering my prayers to be all Spirit-led. 
He's showing me what it is to have the mind of Christ,
the eyes of Christ and the heart of Christ. 
And it all started with this Divine Romance,

thank God for God
:)

Snake Bite

I feel like I haven't sat and written with God in forever. My loss for written words has been a smaller portion of a bigger picture. Coming home from all the work the Spirit inside of me was doing this summer, I was so ready to stand strong against complacency and continue to grow stronger and stronger spiritually. I was striving to be Spirit led, instead of led by the flesh. 

If one is genuinely filled with the Spirit, it's never difficult to 

stay head over heels for God. But, it only 

takes one flesh-led move to hinder that focus. 

Find strength in Gods faithfulness and comfort in His grace.

The thing about the world is that we're in it...constantly. There's no escaping it. No doubt we should constantly be surrounding ourselves with spirits that are alive, words from the Word that's full of power & that's sharper than any double edge sword. Our spiritual feeding is more important than our physical food. So why can I get to this place of complacency so easily? This place where I feel I don't need to be in constant step with God? 



I went on a date with this Ultimate Lover of mine. Picnic blanket, the Word, the park...perfection. and I fell asleep. I fell..asleep. Because for some reason I think that my life and what I have to do is more important than what God has to teach me. So I keep myself constantly busy and I miss out on my divine plans & appointments. My devotion to God is shown by my priorities. And by this...I'm embarrassed.  In losing the Spirit of fulfillment, I've really been starting to see myself go through the motions...

Go to small group
Teach small group
Go to church

check, check, check. 

I've been going where I see members of the body of Christ in need to try to stay close to my Love, but...losing the whole point. The point of going to serve for the purpose of bringing light to dark situations. The point of saying I'm coming to help in Jesus' name. Because working for the Lord and serving in the name of the Lord is when eyes are directed to Him and can see Him really move. THIS is when a task is completed, when God is BEING SEEN. This is when fulfillment takes place and the idea of being used by God is real and so strengthening. 

The foundation of complacency is selfishness. It's flesh winning over the Spirit, it's the body taking over the soul. If we aren't striving to be Jesus to EVERY person we're in contact with, we're leading by our flesh. C.S. Lewis says this "You don't have a soul. You are a soul, you have a body."      I'm starting to learn how sensitive the Spirit inside of us truly is. If we're not feeding the Holy Spirit, then our steps start to slowly redirect.. not even seen until the realization that we need the Lord again. The tiniest bit of the world can take a beating on this Spirit if we're not constantly juicin' up. 

2 God stories to share..out of many..
       ONE!  :)
I don't religiously check my verse of the day app, but was led to it a few days ago. God spoke right to me..so I wrote to Him:
"God, When I'm frustrated and you don't seem real to me..when the world's darkness seems to suffocate your light in me..when it makes more sense to live for me than an invisible perfection in the sky...you show me you in a lot of ways. The verse of today, God,
     'Hebrews 10:35-so do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord. Remember the     great reward it brings! Patient endurance is what you need now to carry out God's will."

That makes me smile HUGE just thinking about how He pursues. When the world comes at you strong and it seems too much to take on, 
   Higher than the mountains that I face
   Stronger than the power of the grave
   Constant through the trial and the change
   One thing remains

    TWO! :)
I feel like God put this blog on my heart to keep me accountable because I'm constantly looking for things to learn, even if I can't feel the fulfillment He brings. I flipped open my notes from this summer's past lessons and landed right in the middle of what this spirit needed to be reminded of.    Amos 5 is the pronouncement of God's judgement on Israel for its lifestyles of complacency. These Israelites were self-righteous people that were so sure that God was going to save them on the day of the Lord because of their exceptional works. When in reality, Amos says, (amos 5:18) "It will be as though a man fled from a lion only to meet a bear, as though he entered his house...only to have a snake bite him."

So these complacent people expected God to come save them. However, their lifestyles weren't those of the early Christians, but lifestyles these believers had ordained Godly. How often do we do this...how often do we live according to what 'seems' Godly without even reading the Word to see what is and what's not. Even if we're not complacent, we tend to allow it. Which brings about my favorite verse in Amos..verse 24 "Let justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream." The Spirit of God would be concerned for the world, He wouldn't stand by and watch injustice happen. Injustice...we'll save for another blog. But if we're truly taken over by God's spirit, this faith, this love, this hope, can't be kept quiet. We serve a just God and we are not here to pick and choose who hears about it...who's saved by it...and who's brought justice by it. 
"Therefore, dear friends, since you have been forewarned,
be on your guard so that you may not be carried away by the error of the lawless &
fall from your secure position. 
Grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord." 2 Peter 3:17-18




These past few weeks have been a weakening into complacency. But in writing, God is faithful. 2 Corinthians 12:9 "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." And in order to stay out of this complacent, unfulfilling, self-rightous life, I pray to be pushed out of my comfort zone. When we are pushed out of our comfort zones, we cling to what we know..to what's comforting to us. This is God. I need to need Him. Without Him, we are nothing. 

So, Lord, let me be something for you. Let me change the world...change lives...in your name!

:) 

hey Good Lookin'

Can I just start off by saying that it's 4:56 on Tuesday morning and I have yet to fall asleep. I think I made my Starbucks run a little too late...

I started to Instagram stalk a little bit. There are so many good looking people on Instagram, it's crazy. But then I started thinking, it's really not that hard to be the world's definition of hot, pretty, whatever. Anybody can obtain an outside beauty with some fake tan, a hair straightener and a gym membership. (goes for guys too) Literally...anybody.  

But what's behind these pictures? 

The inner beauty of a hot bod filled with the Spirit or 

just a good lookin' full of emptiness, lost & brokenness.  

I'm one to fully believe that outer beauty is nothing without an inner beauty to support, strengthen & grow that outer beauty. Living in peace, kindness & friendliness, popularity... is all great, but when we're transformed inwardly by the Spirit..that's when our ways and our looks really start to change lives. Who am I to hold back from this transformation? From this makeover?    If you were offered a makeover everyday before starting your day, admit you'd take it. I soooo would. We do almost ANYTHING to make ourselves look so good every time we go out... but how much work do I put into letting the Spirit inside of me make a statement? 
Anybody could walk into a room and turn heads, 
but the Godly desire to walk into a room and change lives.

So why pay so much attention to looks. The way I look won't change the world. But the Spirit being actively alive & glowing is what really dolls us up. 

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,...
rather it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle
and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

In this divine romance with my Ultimate Lover, I'm seeing that He genuinely loves me for the way He made me. God has grown me according to His Spirit. When He uses this flesh in other people's lives, I get chills & this overwhelmed feeling in my heart...as if I was finalizing some awesome plan for my wedding day. In this divine romance, my God is teaching me patience. Patience in love, patience in purity.

Patience in love due to the fact that all my best friends are in relationships, engaged or married. This patience thing He's been teaching me has shown me that HE is the only one that can complete my heart before joining it next to someone else's. That it's in my Lover's timing that this kindred Spirit will find mine and be my other shining light bulb. All in my Lord's hands. I pray for my future husband. For opportunities on this mission field called world, for His Spirit to be strengthened and whole, and for his heart to be completed by the love of the Father. One day I'll meet that man, until then...my Ultimate Love doesn't have to fight for first place ;)

It's officially 5:30, my alarm goes off in 3 hours, and I just dumped my filled cup of water all over me & my bed...
Talk about outer beauty. 

coincidences my TUSH

How can this be His story if He is the one constantly loving, pursuing and fulfilling me? God molded me and made me and put me in this world to be a light for Him, to show Him off and make Him famous. I just can't fathom how living for a god can make me so complete, make me who I'm supposed to be...a whole Maddie Miller.

I think it's probably, definitely, most likely because He's not just a god. Jesus Christ is the only god who is still alive. The only god that can live inside of us. The only god that reaches out to us. I've taken a back seat on this whole worldly god thing, where people pick and choose different aspects of different gods and put them together to make god. And in taking this backseat, I've had the opportunity of learning a lot, a lot, a lot, behind the scenes of it all. I've learned that it makes people happy and it promotes peace and love and kindness. Which, I mean great! The world could use some sunshine.     
But when did this world become completely about us? From the moment we entered this world, we were shown what a servants heart looks like. So where is that gap in the road? When did we make it about serving ourselves? & If it's not Holy-Spirit-alive-in-us kind of driven, then what kind of driven is it? Promoting happiness and love is great but going to the core of this worldly god thing is the desire to please ourselves...how can I make myself feel better without offending anyone?....

Weird, I just glanced over and my Bible was open to this:
"Then Jesus said, 'Beware! Guard against every kind of greed. Life is not measured by how much you own." Luke 12:15

So no matter how much happiness we own, no matter how much kindness we spread, if God isn't the basis for doing it, then it means nothing..(Col. 3:23)

It's just something new that I've learned this summer! God has blessed me so much with this genuine joy & growth in serving Him, I just can't keep my trap shut anymore.

>Self-obtained happiness is great, God-ordained happiness is SO MUCH greater!

Tonight, we had a Belize reunion. Spirit-driven stories are the only super good ones.
Two of my beautiful, lovely, amazing friends and I are sitting outside. One girl has given her life to Christ and my other is in pursuit! I cannot express to you the genuine & godly joy that overwhelmed my heart when the beauty in pursuit said this, "I'm envious of strong women that can have a relationship with Christ." I'm still overwhelmed because those words are words that I can remember thinking a few months ago. And once a spirit starts to reach for the Holy Spirit, they won't be left hangin'. God is about to rock this beauty's world, I just know it! THEN! towards the end of the conversation, she says this, "have you ever heard of Harborside? I hang out with their pastor at Starbucks like everyday."   God, seriously? Get out of here.  When God pursues, He really means serious business.

So in thinking of God's pursuit for this beauty, He reminded me of our love story. The way He has pursued, loved, and just made me...me. On the way home, I was listening to an old CD and the lyrics said "time to take all the lamp shades off"   (I'm here to be this shining, not complacent, joy-sharing light bulb)     Since that line, I've been thinking about my lamp shade. That dulling cover over my light for the Lord, is it gone yet?

God is in my every moment! A few seconds ago, God used a friend to text me His answer,
"idk what it is yet, but theres
just something about you that
glows."

again God...get out of here! coincidences my BUTT. God is here, God is here.

The Spirit is SO SO SO SO SO alive inside of this temporal flesh. NONE of this is my doing, the Spirit came in and transformed my worldly Spirit. Though being 100% spirit-led all the time is perfection, is Jesus Christ... God has planted this desire in my heart to recognize & step on flesh-led actions. And because the Spirit is so alive in this rotting flesh, recognizing other lights for Christ has become quite the excitement,
GOD CHANGES.
COMPLETES.
HEALS.
GLOWS.
USES.
:)

ps. coincidences are simply God moving,
so when you see paths being crossed,
you're seeing God working