Presents & Buts

It never really occurred to me that chemo was a lifestyle. I had gone with grandpa, only a few times, when he was being treated. But it never crossed my thoughts that chemo was as life-taking as it is. I wish that I had given grandpa more time, especially through his chemo. Chemo sets the schedule for your life. It determines what or how much you eat (or don’t). It takes away and replaces your old friends with nurses and other patients. It has the capability to ruin your insides. It changes your habits. But nowhere in all of that does chemo have the power to crush the Spirit of God living in me.

I honestly started writing with this with major heartache intending to go into a schpeel on grandpa…and selflessness and time. But that was just changed… the Spirit is powerful. Prayer is obviously powerful… I’m learning that no struggle whether it be heart break, cancer, (insert your pain & struggle here), is too much for God. We let ourselves think about this certain thing over and over…we pray about it (if we feel like it)…and keep thinking about it and struggling over it. Where’s the trust in that?  Where in my over thinking and my shallow hearted prayers am I actually trusting God?

TRUST, NO BUTS

is my new life theme.

It’s easy to think about something…anything. But when was the last time I prayed about it and never gave it a second thought?   I’ve been reading a lot of Job, because his life sucks just like mine, and the first response his friend gave him was this, “If I were you, I would go to God and present my case to him.” (Job 5:8)    So, I stole his idea.

Present your case to God,

And trust Him with no buts.

God, my prayer tonight is for healing. A healing of cancer would be nice, but more so my heart. I went through my phone to delete my voicemails and the 2 I saved of grandpa’s are still on there. They played. My heart seemed to weigh down again, but God this is my case. And I’m going to continue to come to you with this case as many times as my heart continues to miss my grandpa. With this case, I trust you’ll fill me with joy and the wisdom that grandpa is just as excited to see me one day as I am to see him again.

I also feel like I need to be praying for a strengthening desire of His Spirit in me. You can never have enough! So often, I judge how I’m doing or the person I’m being based on how or who I was yesterday. When realistically, a past me is not a scale to be using for comparison. His Spirit is something spontaneous and new everyday… not continually growing day by day like us, but it’s fresh and constant, bringing a different task or ability to the table every morning.  So I won’t be praying for a stronger Maddie, but a needy, clingy type of Maddie…desperate for the fill of the constant Spirit.

Also, I love my grandpa.

And…Moffitt in a week !

And.. good luck to all you Lake Aurora counselors this week! :)

Photo Cred to Jeff Brockman.
My amazing, loving & encouraging cousin, thank you for your constant love!

Engagement Rings & Hospital Bracelets

I was sitting in Moffitt during my last treatment and I received 3 phone calls in ONE day of friends getting engaged. Um what. Obviously, I can't help but be ecstatic because my friends are in love and what an incredible chapter to be writing! 

But let me throw in 4 seconds of a maddie miller pity party... I can't help but think about all of these life changing jewelries that are going around... and the one that I get is a chemotherapy hospital bracelet.  ...I said pity party, did I not?...

Now let me throw in 10 minutes of praise the Lord... I was talking to the Man on my way home from dinner and in being still (and focusing on the road...) with Him , I realized realistically, deeply and truly how excited I am to own this cancer...to wear this bracelet. This annoying, hideous, white bracelet. Because can I tell you what this bracelet means to me?    

its an assignment: a mission field bigger than any in my wildest dreams.
its a joy: God chose me to fulfill such a huge plan of spreading His name
its a race: in which I must be training myself daily to take every step with Christ 
its a victory: knowing my God has already won the spiritual battles 
its a comfort: reminding me that God is in control, planned what's next and gone through it
its a commitment: between me & Jesus to do life together in this divine love

This may not be an engagement ring, but it's MY life changing piece of jewelry and I love it.

Gametime, finish the sentence:
I'm pretty sure that the only way someone could be excited about cancer is...
if there's a God that's alive and sending his own spirit to go live in them. 
if they were SURROUNDED by love, support and encouragement.
if prayers were constantly flowing.
if lives were changing and others started seeing who Jesus is because of it.
if their mailbox was always full of love!

Let me just also say that God..Jesus..Holy Spirit..just not equivalent to anything else in the universe. I'm starting to really see how deep and real a relationship with Jesus can go. I mean: church (check), small group (check). Things with God can just get so religious and terrible and mediocre. but we're getting offered a love, a relationship that can't match anything else. A love that doesn't let us worry for even a second, or have fear at all! A love that is constant. A love full of surprises. Who doesn't want a cute love story...

I woke up the other morning stressing about my rent for some reason...probably because I didn't have it. (can't work) So I decided I'd take it out of my savings, but that wasn't really sitting right with me. I told Jesus all day that it was stressing me a tad.. It was in the back of my mind all day...until I get to the mail box. I open box #58 and of course that's in there Jesus. 

A check for my next 2 months of rent.

Can you just read that one more time? Seriously. This happened. Praise God! 
List of other blessings that've come out of my ugly bracelet:
Printer
A donated photo shoot by Corey & Abbey Conroy 
A decorated apartment
Food!
Clothes & real jewelry
Flowers & giftcards
Baskets full of goodies!
Planned fundraiser (in August! keep your eyes peeled for a date!)
Paul, my fish
the Rest of my kitchen appliances & cheetah print high heel chair (thanks Dad;)
A new scar
A wig (elaborated below)
My dream job (elaborated below)

MY HAIR
Journal Entry 5/28 No Hair for My Hairbrush
I wake up to lots of hair piles on my pillow. I ran my fingers through my hair and came out with handfuls of hair... My eyes start to water so I grab my trash can and sit cross cross apple sauce in front of it and spend the next 15 minutes of my short little life bawling my eyes out and pulling out what's left of my hair. Boyfriend at the time comes over and crashes my party, holds me, says all these perfect words and picks me up to take me to a salon to get the rest buzzed off. I really didn't want the hair lady to turn my chair around because in my head, being bald was going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. So I go home, hours go by and I'm alone, I take it off when I get this a text that says this (keep in mind Maddie Williams didn't know I had just lost my hair, no one did):


"Maddie-I found these notes and I think I'm supposed to send them to you- Beauty doesn't come from the adornment of clothes, jewelry or hair. External beauty changes, after a while it all becomes "ugly". It's inner beauty that matters, that will be eternal.The Bible was written thousands of years ago and the words to describe a beautiful person are the same as now. So being created by God, we know that we don't need the adornment of clothes or anything to be beautiful."  



There it was-my reminder of where my confidence comes from and a reminder of Who makes me beautiful, not what makes me beautiful. So I took the wig off and never put it back on...Extremely much to my surprise, I liked life a lot better without the wig. It keeps me cool...like a manly cool. Since I'm bald. However, I'm pretty sure 99% of people that look at me, think that I did this for fun. Welcome to 2013 I guess. So that's that, the bald life is the great life and give your fears to the Lord because only He knows how to comfort you in the mightiest way! (Enjoy today's wig photoshoot)

MY DREAM JOB
Blaze Allure Events has been officially made an LLC. Website to come! Send me weddings, fundraisers, and events to plan!! It soothes me to organize. Also...the business cards are adorable, so come get one!



YOUR struggles...try Jesus & pray for them. You weren't meant to deal with it alone.

Choose the Holy Spirit daily...well only if you want joy, purpose, peace, & comfort. ;)

This is getting long...Moffitt on Wednesday for a week! 
Inbox me what I can pray for you for!
I miss my grandpa..
And my favorite Bible verse is John 14:16-17
"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate (Encourager, Comforter), who will never leave you. He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth...But you know him, because he lives with you now, and later will live in you."

Enough is Enough

Jesus Calling devotional:

"Instead of scrutinizing your checklist, focus your attention on My Presence with you.

This continual contact with Me will keep you in My Peace.

Moreover, I will help you sort out what is important and what is not, what needs to be done now and what does not. Fix your eyes on what is seen, (your circumstance), but on what is unseen, (My Presence)."                  -2 Corinthians 4:18

I guess God really does have every little life detail planned out. That was my devo for the morning and it fits perfectly exactly into my day..

I woke up late for a cancer lab test appointment thing and rushed to the office. I sat down with my scheduling lady as she gave me all of my appointments for this week and next.  We worked on switching all of tomorrow's appointments because of grandpa's funeral and were on our way. Walking down the stairs and into the parking lot, it seemed to all weigh on me. And as I opened my car door to see Grandpa's funeral program in the passenger seat, I cracked.

I just had to push my CANCER PATIENT APPOINTMENTS around so that I could make it to my GRANDPAS FUNERAL...   I lost it.                This is me admitting my first moment of weakness. It's like everything that I knew to be true had just been shut out and all I could feel and think was that my 1 absolute favorite man to walk this earth was gone. He was supposed to play bingo with me tomorrow. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle in a few years. He was supposed to be there when I walked in his front door yelling, "Maddie Maddie from Cincinnati!" like he always does, and make fun of my prayers for being too long.

I thank God for God, because without His son, I don't know that I could do this. The song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West has been stuck in my head. Lyrics like this...


"You must think I'm strong

To give me what I'm going through

Forgive me if I'm wrong

But this looks like more than I can do

On my own


I know I'm not strong enough to be

everything that I'm supposed to be

I give up

I'm not strong enough

Hands of mercy won't you cover me

Lord right now, I'm asking you to be

Strong enough for the both of us


Well maybe that's the point

To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally

Finally at rock bottom

Well, that's when I start looking up

And reaching out


Cause I'm broken, down to nothing

But I'm still holding on to the one thing

You are God and you are strong when I am weak


I can do all things

Through Christ who gives me strength

and I don't have to be 

Strong Enough"


So these lyrics flood in my thoughts and a friend reminds me that grandpa isn't gone, it's just his shell. Grandpa's clinging to Jesus now, who is my strength. All of this is only temporary and comforts me in the Word of God, reminding me of all of Christ's promises.



God is good and God is holding my family. God is holding every minute detail and heart break of ours. He has it. He has a plan. Grandpa was such a hoot and there will be floods of people at his funeral, I pray that the Holy Spirit 2000% takes over and as I walk up to give Grandpa's eulogy tomorrow, that He can change lives in the room...that people will strengthen, or even start walking with Christ.


Don't let a temporary problem or the decease of someone's shell weigh you down, God has His Holy Spirit to give you and THAT is what needs to be alive.






Grandpa, you changed my world,

 I'll be seein' you  

Surrounded On All Sides

I'm having a super hard time typing right now because I can't stop smiling! My heart and my soul are SO completely overjoyed that I can't do anything but smile. The Holy Spirit is alive, this place is full of so much peace and joy!    On a typical blog post in Deep See, there's about 100 views. 
//On the past post, 1438\\ One thousand fourteen hundred and thirty eight people have read about the joy and the peace of Christ!! I am in COMPLETE awe. And the number is still climbing!! Let's keep spreading!

Our God is ever faithful! From this darkness, you will lead us, forever we will say You're the Lord of all!

So all of this week, the Lord has reminded me He's going to these appointments with me. He's going to be there for me when I hurt, when I fear, when I doubt. He's there. And He's been using people to help remind me...

This week, I realized how much God has been preparing me for this cancer season. Senior year, my best friend and I struggled together with depression. She used to tell me that she would never wish or hope for her struggle to go away because she knew God would use it. The Lord used her to bring out a Godly mindset in me in the midst of struggles. Thankful for the lessons He taught me through Allie Leja! It's because of her that I look into the eyes of cancer and say "let's fight".

I've had this best friend, Meagan, since middle school. She's beautiful. So a biopsy goes by, and another one is scheduled. This one made me nervous for some reason, I laid in that hospital bed and poured my heart out to God, telling Him that I was starting to get nervous and anxious about this. In walks my nurse, she says "Hey, I'll be your nurse today. My name's Meagan". We serve a God of COMFORT. It puts me in shock that such a big God, watching over the whole world can care about even my tiniest life details. He knows my heart. He knows my life. He knows my deepest needs, even something little like finding comfort in the name Meagan!

Next day, another appointment. This was the last appointment of the week...appointment number 6. So much had been thrown my way this week and the doctor just seemed to be piling more on. I left that office feeling overwhelmed trying to hold my tears back. I walk in my front door and there's a card that had been slipped under it. It said,

"...I want to offer a gentle reminder of just how much strength
you have inside...I've seen it and so has everyone who knows
you. I hope you can feel God's presence and power in a 
personal way right now..."

Then Drew Cordello writes, "I pray that God gives you strength to keep fighting
hard, everyday...so keep your head up..." and ends it with 1 Peter 1:21

EXACTLY WHAT MY SPIRIT NEEDED. God is here! God is SO here! And He's using people to remind me of that! We can't live mediocre lives, we have a crazy amazing God to control our mindset and our actions and our thoughts. He brings our hearts to life! Not this world or the things in it. And definitely not the people...

Days and MULTIPLE blessings pass, including an anonymous offer to pay the next month of rent. Wow. The Lord gives me my dad for a week to teach me how to cook. What a servants heart. He was God's reminder to serve...no matter what my struggle is, I'm still a follower of Christ, called to love and serve everywhere I go!


And for today....this one is what really gets me too excited, Jonas Bros level EXCITED ;)

We met doctor #6 this morning, who gave me more news and more frustration. It seems that every doctor we go to adds on to my problems.. 'oh you have fluid in your lungs. oh, your cancers in your mouth. oh, you're going to need  your tonsils removed'. SO much frustration...so I'm annoyed. He ruined my day and I stayed frustrated. Immediately following that appointment, I angrily called Moffitt to get an appointment. I wanted to get away from these dumb, frustrating doctors! But Moffitt couldn't get me in and I was pissed. Obviously me & my plans came first today. So had to settle for an appointment to meet with my current oncologist to go over everything doctor #6 said...  4:15 rolls around, doctor takes us back and she says "we didn't get any alive tissue from the biopsy so we still don't know what stage of cancer."

are you kidding me.

So, trusting in myself and my knowledge, I have to admit to you that I started getting a little snippy...  

Anyway!! ...the appointment passes and my doctor closes with this, "Madison, this case is too much/big for our pathologists to handle. We're sending you to Moffit. I'm going to get you an appointment as soon as possible and pass all your records over"    .....what.

TRUST IN THE LORD. not in flesh, TRUST IN THE SPIRIT.

God is training my mind to be constantly on the lookout for where He's working. I can't wait to be cancer free and go about a regular day and look for Him!! He's alive in every situation and He's there to comfort and love and bring peace to every faithful person who calls out to Him. It's a simple, "Jesus, I'm worried" and He is faithful. Why is He so faithful to us when we're hardly faithful to Him!? What an

unimaginable
crazy
strong
LOVE.


My prayer is that God reaches MORE people with this cancer than ever before. That He uses the Holy Spirit inside of me, to show Him off and bring realness to His name. Religion has made Him SO boring and SO dictator-ish. And He's not! 

There's a story in the Bible where Jesus turns water to wine and in the next chapter, He shuts down the lukewarm, religious worshipers. Check out John 2.
HE KEEPS THE PARTY GOING,
& SHUTS DOWN THE RELIGION!


There is so much excitement and joy behind truly knowing Christ. He has brought a revival to this soul :)

Update! Going to moffit ASAP. Cancer is in my chest and throat! Chemo should start in 2 weeks, hopefully. And I'll be 20-30% infertile after it...so if you think you're the lucky sucker God picked out to marry me, hope you don't mind some hard work...

GOD IS GOOD!!!!! 


Prayer request: grandpa! I need him out and walking and talking like normal again! The man wants out of rehab and God is a God of miracles!!!!

Most importantly: all the support, love and prayers that have been FLOODING in have been the biggest blessing of all. This Family has truly come together and I am absolutely beside myself. If I could begin to name and list every message or person that reached out, you'd fall asleep on the computer. SO THANKFUL! Even the people that I've never met that reached out...life changing.

Cancer Equivalent to a Head Cold

If you're reading this, you've probably already seen my news. I haven't had still time to process it all so if you continue to read...you're agreeing to process with me :) 

Aaand go!

Last Tuesday, I woke up with chest pain.

Last Thursday, I called my primary to make an appointment and they send me to the Emergency Room. 

In the ER, they run a bunch of tests and scan my chest.

In room 17 in the ER, doctor comes in and says they found a mass and I had to stay over night, so they wheel me away to room 644. (I'm making that number up)

Can I just say...being contained in a small little box with a curtain separating some other diseased roommate and I isn't my idea of a good time. Anyways! Many phone calls, flowers and visitors later, the nurse comes in and says my biopsy is at 4:00 the next day and I can't eat or drink until then....what. But at least I had flowers...

So sleeptime comes and it's so true when people say that the nurses will wake you up just to make sure you're sleeping okay... 

Morning hits...I'm asking Jesus constantly, "why 4:00? I had hoped this biopsy would be sooner!"...go figure, the Holy Spirit's in full gear...here comes the nurse, "Madison, we got your biopsy moved. They're on their way to come get you now" WHAT! :) 

God is cool and I'm beside myself how anybody could go without Him. There's a fun life that you can live for yourself but there's an even MORE fun and greater life waiting when we live for Christ.

Wheel me away...take me to dr.Anil...knock me out and needle me! Back to my room to wait some more, wait some more, lungs didn't collapse, I can go home!!! My family wheels me away and brings me home!

Following Wednesday, primary doctor appointment. "You have cancer-lymphoma"

I can honestly say this was probably one of the most exciting days of my life. And I say this not to seem, "oh maddie, shes great" but truly to say this...I knew that God was about to work HUGE. and that He had a big plan involving some great people. I knew that God was going to go crazy with this..reaching people I've never even met more, bringing people to a relationship with Him and a plan to overall make Him famous. And I am still completely beside myself to this night that He is using me to do something so big for Him. I am honorably excited! And I couldn't be more truthful with you.

As of tonight, it's been a week. There's been...

Dr. Appts: 10

"Praying for you"'s: over 147 (in text/FB comment alone)

Flower bouquets: 7

Cards mailed: 9

Reach outs from people I've never met: 4

Encouraging voicemails/phone calls: over 15

Verses sent: 21

Church congregations praying: 5 (known)

Other statuses asking for prayer for me: 11

And..

My page alone, over 833 "likes" on cancer related topics..

Tell me that I'm crazy for counting...but I'm ECSTATIC that God chose me for this. and the amount of encouragement and love that He has cast upon my soul is remarkable. I wake up every morning knowing that I'm being prayed for and my Spirit is automatically connected with Christ and I feel joy, and peace and love. HE is why I'm excited and ready for this.

Shouldn't we always be lifting each other up like this, though? Accepting a life to live for Christ is accepting a whole new family. Our brothers and sisters should wake up every morning being able to feel and know the way that I feel and know. I don't want to be lazy anymore! I want other followers to wake up and KNOW that they are being prayed for, KNOW that their Spirit is loved and not alone and best of all...know that as followers and transformed Spirits of God, that we are one.  We are united.

Father, Son, Holy Spirit...He is a community in and of Himself.

We are made in His image, we are MADE for community.

We are MADE to encourage, reminding each other daily that we are praying for the other.. asking each other what can be prayed for. 

When was the last time that I felt I was being prayed for this much? Freshman year of high school

When was the last time that I asked and reminded someone I was continually praying for a specific situation daily? Not in a while.

So, I will no longer wait until it takes something huge and traumatic to remind my family that I'm praying constantly for them! I want my sisters and brothers waking up, knowing and feeling they're being prayed for. Feeling this peace and joy daily, no matter what's going on! Finding the Light of Christ through any darkness. 

God is good!!!!! 

Biopsy in the morning to determine the stage of cancer.

10am oncologist appt on friday!

:)

what the funk

I don't know where to begin. Maybe an explanation of the title? The past however many long months it's been since I've last been in this journal of mine, I've been stuck in this funk...this time of feeling completely numb. Numb to the amazing things like Passion and numb to sin. I'm in no place to be publishing a Jesus journal. But then again, I guess I am. I was reminded today that He uses the weak to lead the strong, so I'm hoping that whatever this is that's going on in my heart, is something for Him to use in some way. 

It seems like I'm writing the same old 'blehh, I have depression' stuff all over again. But I want to try something different this time around. I want to REMEMBER. Remember what I've learned. Remember my past God moments. Remember the people He's put in my life to encourage me. Remember the ways He's used me. Remember the times He was so completely evident. Remember all the "oooooooh" moments I've had with Him. Remember the times worship.

(ugh I need my headphones. I hate Panera music. and whiny children. why'd it just get busy in here all of a sudden..)


Humans are defined not by their limits, but by the intentions I have for them;
not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image.
I am a masterpiece of Christ.

So while the asian man across the tables at Panera awkwardly sits facing me and eats by himself, here are some of the sermons & notes from January....

          PASSION:

God is the God of immeasurably more than I can imagine...let Him replace our hardened hearts with His fully alive and beating ones. 
Ezekial 36:24-27  (v26)"I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stubborn heart and give you a RESPONSIVE heart"
Ezekial 37:1-10 the valley of dry bones-where we're walking 
valley: low & dark place
dry bones: thirsty & desolate
(v3) "can these bones become living people again?"

then picture this!..
(v5) "the Lord says: I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the Lord....Suddenly as aI spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. The bones of each body came together...They all came to life and stood up on their feet"
seriously,
picture that!

Us...dry bones..
God will SPEAK the Word into us (through circumstance, person, teaching)
God will put BREATH into us
God will ATTACH TENDONS/ cover with skin: repair & restore
We will KNOW that He is God
THE BLIND WILL SEE.

In attempt to control my own life, 
I ruin it...so trust God with it.
But we only trust who we FULLY know.
example, it's effortless to trust a close family member. 
However, if our knowledge doesn't lead to love,
then we have 0 knowledge. 

>>>>>>when I understand and fully receive this free gift (God's crazy love), I'll stop trying to earn it and live freely for Him.


for now...my last sermon notes (and favorite) Franny Chan..

Experiencing God is making disciples.      maybe I need to focus more on this. experiencing God is making disciples... that's guna be in my thoughts the rest of tonight.


>when darkness falls.
 i find my peace in Christ

>my distrust in people can spill over in my relationship with God but
"understand that the Lord your God IS God.He is the faithful God who keeps his promises for a thousand generations and lavishes his unfailing love on those who love him and obey his commands." Deut. 7:9

even when we're unfaithful, He remains faithful
2 Tim 2:13 ...my actions don't change God                     dry bones can't come to life on
                                                                           their own. we NEED Him.

If we endure through this darkness, we reign with Him



HEAVEN.. we should be like little kids...so excited, jumping up and down for the ice cream man....the time for heaven is coming! Why am I living like a hurt person with my guard up giving Him only a little faith in fear of getting my hopes up & crushed.




I feel like in the flesh, we give God only so much. We trust Him with only so much. When it comes to a sick somebody, we pray and ask Him for help. But when it comes to the tiniest decision, like where should I go for dinner...He's not included. But how do you that He doesn't have a person or a plan waiting for you at this dinner place? It sounds crazy, but God what should I do with my night? Where do you want me to be? Control my heart and my desire for the plan tonight. 

Let my hearts desires match yours so I can be where you
want me, when you want me, with the emotion you 
want me to have. I'm only happy when I have God,
I've learned. Because I'm completely satisfied.

so hopefully this funk goes away soon. God can use it how he wants.
Tomorrow is Disney world.
Next weekend is Miami.
The asian man is still there
Grandpas cancer WILL go away
God will have His way with Luke & I
I'm thankful for my VS jacket I'm wearing
My managers guna be mad when he sees I took off 2 weekends in a row
I love my Christmas phone case from Teresa

I want a renewal in my heart and spirit!